not quite. I think intelligence and reason brought me to a place waaay beyond what I was given, psychologically at birth, to understand.
I appreciate your question, it does raise a large point that in my rantiness, I glossed over.
I feel like, to me, spirituality happens in experience, especially as a shared experience. I've had some pretty powerful shared experiences in the last month since I've moved down to New Orleans, but left to myself over winter break, and going out and getting deeper into the lives of the people I'm here to work for, I find myself really confused as to what the differences are between myself and 'the client' if I may be so impersonal.
I'm deeply unsettled to think I 'have what it takes' and they 'don't'.
For me, it reinforces my feelings of being a 'daywalker' a child of the night who has a day job.
All this sleeping and dreaming....It's somewhat.... psychedelic.
I to pointedly answer your question, and not just share how I feel, I don't feel like I belong. I feel over-unique, over-qualified, to be domesticated or a street kid. You see, the domesticated that I work with pity the kids on the street. The street kids I work with pity the domesticated. But combined, they each have a part of what this life is. And, being two opposites on the same pole, I feel like every stereotype on this continuum still doesn't add up to a whole person. And yet, there is this battle, from when I was 13, and 15, and 17, and all those indivisible integers thereafter, do I stay, or do I go?
Cause I could take my rewilding baddassness and create something awesome for a what could be a tribe, using my outdoor techniques to build a village in a city. (ya'llshould see some of the squats here, they are so Afterculture). I can take my intellectual faculty badassness and passion for the youngest of people and train an army of children learning permaculture, grant writing, mycoremediation, and so on.
The problem is, you can really only commit to one, and gloss the other over. People need more than leadership, they need more than service, they need commitment, in order to truly blossom, they need to feel like you will always be there. In death and beyond.
and those aren't the only two options.
I guess, restlessness isn't so bad, I could just sleep when I'm dead. But where did all this peace go that I once found? My peace was a time and a place, when I was removed from the world and still gathering ammunition, fletching arrows, and such.
As a reckless young man, I heeded the words of the buddha and others to stop making so many cuts in the world, to help heal the bleeding. but I am a warrior, and while my cuts don't draw blood, there is still a remorse one feels when having a great idea watching people line up behind it.
why is the loss of possibility and commitment so painful?
ramble ramble ramble....